Where does a good divorce start but in envisioning the positive desired outcome. A good start always involves seeing where one will end up. The famous self-help guru and author, Stephen Covey, talks about the habit of starting with the end in mind in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. To begin with the end in mind means starting with a clear picture of the end and understanding of your desired final destination.

Where Does a Good Divorce Start, but The End in Mind

Then, the steps you take and the decisions you make along the way are always in support of your desired outcome. Imagine how different things could be if we really focused on what was most important to us and managed ourselves to be and do what really matters. Do you want a good divorce? If so, you have to commit to creating one. And you have to create a plan to get there.

Unfortunately, lawyers rarely begin with this end in mind. Much of what happens in an adversarial process is dictated by the emotional whims of the week. If you want to be in control, then you must decide with your spouse, that you want to be in control of deciding your fate and executing on the plan that you agree on together. If you sway from that path, it is because you have made that conscious decision together, or in response to the unexpected, you have altered the plan as a team.

Where Does a Good Divorce Start, but Within Your Circle of Influence

Covey also defines something called the “circle of concern/influence”. This concept is critical to understand if you want to create a good divorce with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. The circle of concern or influence involves exactly those things that you have most influence over. We all have concerns such as our health, our children, the state of the economy, how the traffic is going to be today. The latter concerns are likely not in our circle of concern or influence. Our younger children and our health are more in that inner circle of concern/influence.

Effective people know what fits in that inner circle. Reactive people rarely differentiate between the inner and outer circle. And they likely spend a lot of time worrying about things not under their influence. Covey says that “this focus results in blaming and accusations, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization”. These are the very things we dont want dictating how a divorce process goes.

Your End in Mind/Circle of Influence

Take a moment to think about where does a good divorce start for you. Sit down with your spouse and find out where does a good divorce start with them. If this conversation is hard, get a mediator involved.

To read more about A Good Divorce, pop over here.