Selecting Your Divorce Team
Selecting your divorce team might sound odd, but you need a team to get through such an emotional time that has a lot of moving parts. The people you surround yourself with can make a huge difference in the quality of your life. In divorce, this becomes even more important. Those who are in your corner will play a pivotal role in supporting you in creating A Good Divorce.
We like to refer to the people you surround yourself with to support you during your divorce as your “Divorce Team.” Making it through a divorce involves so many moving parts that it is critical to make sure the people on your team are people you can trust and count on. And while you might think you do not need support, we have found that your support team is one of the most important success factors in A Good Divorce.
How to Find the Right Team Members
Imagine you are the hiring manager at a large company, and you need to hire a new financial controller. How would you go about this task?
Would you…
• rely solely on the recommendations of friends and family?
• use an internet search?
• hire the first person who walks through the door?
• hire someone without checking references or getting testimonials?
Or would you…
• seek referrals from qualified sources?
• check references and get testimonials from trusted friends or colleagues?
• interview several candidates for the job with a set of thoughtful questions?
I’m sure you realize by now that choosing list 2 is the best way. But it’s amazing how many people choose their divorce team using list 1. Choosing the right members will have one of the biggest impacts on the quality of your divorce process and outcome. So, where do we start?
Friends and Family
The most important place to start is with your friends and family. You need friends and family members who will be supportive of what is right for you and your family. But be cautious. The most seemingly important friends might be deceiving. If your friend is not supporting the good divorce process, like telling you to screw your spouse, she or he is not the right friend for your support team.
You need friends who are focused on helping you grieve your loss, let go of the past, and focus on the future. It is these kinds of friends who will support you in moving forward, especially in being able to love again. You can and will love again, but part of the transition requires surrounding yourself with people who bring the right energy to your mutually shared space. Negative energy is toxic. Family members should be non-judgmental, and support you in your decision to move on. Anyone who can’t do these things should be distanced, until you can move through your divorce.
Once you have enlisted family members and friends who can look out for your family system as a whole, you should select professionals who are going to help facilitate your divorce.
Mediator
There are different types of mediators, and you will want to consider what flavor of mediation will fit your situation best. There are some mediators who believe that every session with your spouse should be done together in the same room. This perspective is fine, although, that it is NOT how it has to be. By the time divorce is on the horizon, the last thing you want to do is spend every meeting in the same meeting room together.
There is another option called “caucus” mediation, which means that meetings can be done separately. This does take a highly skilled mediator who can be neutral, hold the big picture, and ensure both parties feel like they are getting the best of the mediator.
In selecting your divorce team, this is your single most important member who can make the difference in A Good Divorce.
Lawyer
As discussed, a lawyer should be a compliment to the mediator, giving legal advice where it is needed. In most states, if you hire a lawyer to be a mediator, they cannot give legal advice.
You do not need a lawyer to handle every piece of your case. Find your mediator first, and then see what recommendations he or she has for lawyers who believe in the Good Divorce process.
You will want a lawyer who is going to look at the case from the big picture, while giving you the legal advice you need to ensure you have weighed pros and cons. Keep in mind that ultimately, you as the couple are in charge, and you know your situation best. So, accept and apply what works for you. Your mediator can help facilitate that conversation.
Counselor/Divorce Coach
The last main team member to consider is a counselor for you and even possibly your kids. If you hesitate to do counseling, consider a divorce coach. Or you can empower yourself in other ways through self-growth courses or support groups.
Having a resource on your team to support your emotional transition can make the difference in how long you are “stuck”. Everyone goes through a transition. Transitions involve going through a similar phase of feelings, such as shock, anger, resistance, understanding, exploration, and commitment to a new path. Unfortunately, we have seen people who are stuck for decades after a divorce in anger, and they cannot move on to find a new partner, take care of themselves, or find happiness. The type of support you get while you are in the divorce process can help you to move on to your brighter future sooner.
Extended Team Members
Now that you have assembled your main team, selecting your divorce team involves including ancillary members that fit your specific situation.
Accountant
Do you have complex tax issues that an accountant can help answer?
It would be a good idea, when selecting your divorce team, to have an accountant do your taxes, even though you might usually do your taxes yourself. Divorce brings a few more tax complications than you may be used to, so utilizing an accountant your first year in or after your divorce can be very helpful. You have to be extremely careful with child exemptions because if you both accidentally claim the same children in the same year, the tax entities will reject your taxes. Refer to your divorce agreement to remember who has what child for the year.
Financial Adviser
Are you starting over financially?
If you are starting over financially, you could use the help of a financial planner, who will look out for your financial big picture. They can help you get back on track to a sound financial future.
Also, if you end up with a division of private retirement funds, a financial planner/adviser can follow the division to make sure it happens. Dividing a retirement can be a process and takes a bit of complicated paperwork, so don’t hesitate to get your financial person involved.
Real Estate Agent
Do you need to sell your house?
if you are working with a real estate agent, it is important that the agent understand how things are going to go when the house sells. If the house proceeds need to be divided in some way other than 50/50, he/she needs to have the divorce paperwork that tells them this. Sync up your mediator and real estate agent so they can be in communication about timing and next steps. Your mediator should also be connected with different real estate agents who specialize in short sales, foreclosures, maybe even divorce situations.
Mortgage Broker
If you have equity in your home, and want to refinance, do you have the right mortgage broker who can crunch numbers and give you multiple options for taking over the home?
If you need to assume liability of the home, ask your current lender about an assumption of liability process. Sometimes, you have to ask the same question in multiple ways to get what you need, especially with your current lender. Current lenders are not incentivized to give you anything they do not have to. It is riskier for them to only have one person on the loan, so be assertive.
Also, really work with your mediator to determine if you can afford to take on the home. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. Be able to take on the home, only if you have enough in savings in case you lose your job. You need to be prepared for the unexpected. What happens if the pipes burst, and the house floods. Can you afford the deductible? Just think long and hard. Sure, you want to keep the kids in their home, but the stress of you trying to make ends meet might be harder on them, then moving.
House Appraiser
Are you and your spouse trying to come to agreement on the value of your home?
If you do not have a recent refinance appraisal, or an easy way to come to agreement on the value of the home, then perhaps you want to consider an independent appraiser. Be sure to agree before you go into the appraisal that you will accept the appraisal value as the value that you will be including in the mediation or negotiation.
Bankruptcy Attorney or Debt Companies
Do you have too much debt to handle now that you are living in two households?
It may be helpful to check with a bankruptcy attorney or debt counselor. While a bankruptcy attorney is a last resort, sometimes it is the option that needs to be selected in order to reset or move forward. Just make sure that the debt you include in your bankruptcy isn’t shared debt because the debt collector will go after the spouse not filing for bankruptcy. I do everything in my power to make sure that debt is moved around until one person owns that debt. There are personal loans, 0% transfer cards, and assumptions of liability.
Also, be careful with debt settlement or negotiation companies. You need to understand how long your credit will be negatively impacted. It can often be as long as a bankruptcy although recovery to a better credit score can be a little faster.
Researching debt consolidation companies is also important. You really have to read the fine print, and make sure you don’t end up paying more fees than the interest on your credit cards. Sometimes, you have little choice in order to get an affordable monthly payment.
Estate Planning Attorney
Do you need to update a will or trust? Do you need to create a will or trust that aligns with your divorce agreement?
Once the divorce agreement is complete, seek the help of an estate attorney to ensure you have your affairs in order. You should be sure to spell out what will happen to the kids if something should happen to you.
Organizer
Do you have years of stuff to sort through?
An organizer can help you sort and organize your stuff much more quickly. He or she can help you assess why you may be holding on to things, why it is important to keep certain things, and what you should do with your stuff once you decide to let go. Within this category, you might get the aid of an estate sale expert who can help you value your things for an estate sale. Or you might contact your county for your once-a-year junk dump.
Career Empowerment
Are you needing a job or considering a job change?
A career empowerment coach can jumpstart you into a new job or career much more quickly than if you do it on your own. You may be putting out some money up front, but in the long run, the shortened time it would take you to get a job could be well worth the initial investment you make. There are a lot more job boards, and AI is being used in this area quite a bit. But nothing will take a place of good, old fashioned networking and finding jobs that no one even knows exist yet.
Life Insurance Agent
Do you have kids? Are you paying support?
If so, it is a good idea to get life insurance if you don’t have any. Once you agree to life insurance, you should not change your policy, only the amount left to each beneficiary. Before you do this, you should be in communication with your ex-spouse about changes, or it should be laid out in the divorce agreement.
Movers
Do you or will you need to move?
Movers can be costly. And one of you will need to move, so put money away for that to happen at the beginning of the divorce process. Or enlist the help of strong friends. Have a moving party where everyone pitches in to help. Just make sure all home contents have been divided with agreement before that time.
Handyman
Do you need simple repairs on your home to ready it for sale? Are you going to be on your own and need a handyman around to help with the things your ex-spouse used to do?
While money may be tight in the beginning, doing things you are good at, and outsourcing the things you cannot do, may save you money in the long run. This also assumes that your time is more valuable focused on your job or business.
Make sure Your Team Members are Right for You and Your Spouse
Selecting your divorce team is key to having A Good Divorce. Don’t rush it, and if a team member is not working out, don’t be afraid to replace them. If you need help agreeing on a team member, ask your mediator to help facilitate agreement.
Be sure to check out my overview page for other elements to creating A Good Divorce.