A good divorce involves co-parenting which means both parents are working together to support the healthy growth of the kids. Being a good co-parent is the best thing you can do to ensure your kids are able to withstand the separation. So, what does it mean to be a good co-parent? Try these tips on and your co-parenting will pay off.
Tip #1: Do not have conversations about the kids while they are present.
Fighting in front of the children will cause them to take on blame for the situation, and that’s the last thing they need in an already unstable time. If you need to correct your spouse, or disagree with him or her, do it later. Your #1 job is to create a sense of security that mom and dad are adult enough to interact respectfully with each other. This goes for in- person and phone conversations. Children will know if the other parent is on the line, as they are listening for unusual things.
Tip #2: Don’t put the kids in the middle.
Do not transfer messages from one parent to the other through your children. The kids may forget to give the message, and the delivering parent could then be upset with the child. This is not fair to the child. In addition, the receiving parent could have a reaction to the message that the child might take personally. Parents need to step up to the plate and deal with communication directly, no matter how tough. The good news in today’s age is that we have email and text messaging, which can make communicating easier.
Tip #3: Kids need to understand that they have two homes.
Many times one parent stays in the marital home and the other moves out. For the one who has left, that parent will always battle the accidental and purposeful language that kids will use when they refer to home. It helps if you can redefine the concept of home with the kids. Home can be wherever the family is. And car time traveling back and forth can be quality time if used that way.
Tip #4: Do not lay your emotional burdens on your children.
Use support groups, friends, family, counselors, anything but your children for emotional support. Children, no matter what age, should not be a substitute for a good counselor or other adult support. This does not mean that co-parents cannot talk about the divorce with their kids. Children need to talk about their feelings too. And they are intuitive: they sense what is going on. Their emotions are heightened during the period of separation and/or divorce process. Take care of your kids’ emotional needs with your kids, not your own needs.
Tip #5: Take advantage of this divorce transition to teach or enhance the skill set of adaptation in everyone.
In today’s world, there is no better skill than being able to adapt in these rapidly changing times. Our world moves at high speed, and change is in motion all the time. Divorce provides you an opportunity to increase your skills of flexibility and adaptation. It provides an opportunity for your kids to learn by example. Change never stops, so this skill set is always valuable.
Tip #6: Avoid making decisions about kids in court, if possible.
The court is not the place where children’s destinies are best determined. There are cases, where one parent has a mental dysfunction, where the courts need to be utilized. But if it is at all possible, don’t do it. Putting decisions about your children in the hands of someone who does not know about your life, does not know about your children’s lives, and gets little time/information to make informed decisions can be a huge mistake you are stuck with a very long time.
Tip #7: Be cautious about comparing your situation to others.
Every co-parenting situation has a different outcome. Parenting styles are different. Working schedules are different. Distances between parents’ homes vary. Today, even primary caretaker situations are different, with more men having taken on active caretaker roles in the home. The diversity of parenting plans is extremely high. Accommodations for the developmental plan of the children must also be considered. Each parenting plan needs to be customized to meet the unique needs of the family.
Tip #8: Children need access to both parents, so speak well of each other to your children.
Who has not had a fleeting thought along the way that it would just be easier to snatch your kids and go off with them in your own world? The problem with that is there’s plenty of research out there that shows kids are better off having both parents around, even with all their flaws.
It is also very important to speak well of your ex to and in front of your children. Otherwise, your children may feel they need to pick sides and choose loyalties. This will put them in the middle of your conflict and potentially alienate them from one or both of their parents. Don’t let your negative feelings toward your ex ruin your relationship with your children. You would want your ex to treat you respectfully in front of the children, to not damage your relationship with them, so give the same courtesy back.
Tip #9: Finish the financial settlement before making permanent decisions about the kids.
If you run your decisions about finances either before or in parallel with your decisions about your kids, they are bound to become pawns in the game of winning or losing. You need an interim plan, but your interim plan should start out mostly status quo, and it should evolve over time to move closer to a 50/50 timeshare. Until financials are settled, nothing should be set in stone. This way the kids are not used as pawns in the financial negotiations.
Tip #10: Figure out as co-parents what things are co-parenting business and what things are not.
One of the most difficult things that we can put our kids through is to put them in a position to tattle on the other parent. Even the most innocent of questions can be a burden for a child who only wants both parents to love him or her. I have seen the worst kind of inquisition happen to a child who wanted to spend less time with his dad to avoid the barrage of questions about mom every time he was with him.
Even when the children tell you about things happening at the other co-parent’s house, it is a good idea to get in the habit of saying, “Thanks for sharing, but I don’t need to know what your dad is doing.” Unless there is a safety threat, things that happen at Mom’s house stay at mom’s house, and things that happen at dad’s house stay at dad’s house. Co-parents do not need to be monitoring the other parent’s dating situation or any other personal topics that are no longer the business of the ex. There is a fine line between co-parenting business and business that is not relevant to co-parenting
A Good Divorce Involves Co-Parenting for Life
The business of raising good kids takes a lof of practice, patience and perseverance. The reason you left your co-parent is because you grew apart, could not communicate well, or fought all the time. But now, you still have to raise kids together. The moment you committed to bringing kids into the world (or adopting kids), was the moment you committed to raising those kids together for as long as is needed. The truth is you will be joined for a lifetime through your mutual commitment to the well-being of your children.
For more information about A Good Divorce, go to A Good Divorce overview page here.