A Good Divorce means dispelling some myths, which I will happily do. While there is still a fairly predominant way most people see divorce, that perception is slowly changing. We will learn that bad divorces are terrible for the very fabric of our culture. And while a good divorce is not an easy achievement, generations to come could appreciate the hard work that goes into making such a thing happen.

Wikipedia defines myth as an unproven or false collective belief. There are a number of collective myths about divorce that we have come to believe without examining them. Since our beliefs can and do create our reality, it is important to examine our beliefs and prevailing myths about divorce. So let’s see how getting a good divorce means dispelling some myths.

Myth 1: You need an attorney, and you will have to go to court.

Since divorce is primarily treated as an adversarial process in our society, most divorcing couples turn to lawyers as a matter of course. Because of this, the alternatives are a hidden secret to many. You don’t need a lawyer as your primary source of negotiating. In fact, I recommend using them as a secondary source for input on things where you need legal advice. Lawyers are very expensive for negotiating who gets the dog, determining how you will co-parent, or by analyzing financial data to determine fairness. Lawyers should be used strategically, not tactically. Unless, of course, it makes sense for you to throw away hundreds of dollars an hour.

Many divorcing clients believe they have to go to court. This isn’t necessarily true. If clients submit an agreement, most courts are willing to keep in-person appointments down. Judges mostly want to meet if there is something unusual about the agreement. Otherwise, they will minimize any extra time spent in the court room.

Myth 2: “I know we can’t work through divorce, as trust has broken down, and we can’t get along”.

Dispelling some myths like this one can be a little more challenging, as we are dealing with people’s emotions and trust. And we all know that by the time a couple gets to a divorce, the trust factor is low to non-existent. This is definitely an obstacle, but having a mediator can help to reframe things. People have choice in the moment to rebuild trust, especially if they can see things from another perspective.

The belief that makes this myth so real is that many people believe if they can’t trust someone on one thing, it means they can’t trust that person on anything. This isn’t necessarily true, though, because people tend to lie thematically. If you can unravel the theme, you can sift through fiction to find fact.

Myth 3: Getting divorced will damage the children.

Divorce, itself, doesn’t damage the kids. It is how the divorce is handled by the parents that will determine the impact on the children. There’s no doubt that how a divorce is managed can be a challenge. And the kids are certainly going to feel the stress that goes along with all the changes. But, it really is an opportunity to teach the skills of adaptation and resilience. Kids are generally more resilient than we think, but each child has their own personality. Some will be more resilient than others. Nonetheless, these are important life skills to teach.

We’ve all heard that kids that can overcome struggle are more set for adult life than kids who are sheltered. This is an opportunity to teach kids, but it is also a chance for each parent to step up and participate more or differently. I know that I made more time to read to my kids when I was separated/divorced. Why? Because I knew I had to make the most of the time I had with them. It was less time, but it was going to be quality time. I’ve seen dads who have spent little time with their kids really make the most of the opportunity to spend time with their kids. Don’t assume that you or your co-parent can’t step up.

Myth 4: People who get divorced are financially devastated.

Divorcing people have to realize, from the start, that there is choice in every way how divorce is approached. First, tens of thousands of dollars do not have to be spent on lawyers. You can let your vengeance and pride get in the way of working more collaboratively on the divorce, and these emotions will cost you financially. And once you start down the lawyer path, the process automatically becomes adversarial, because that is how the game is set up. So, make a choice now to not step down that adversarial path.

Also, I have rarely seen one’s lifestyle not be impacted by divorce. You have to consider that you are now having to support two households, and the kids often need two sets of the basic items, No one wants to eat the humble pie of budgeting down. Nonetheless, there really is no way around it. You have to think and work differently. It’s important to not make assumptions about how the money will work now that you are living separately. They say that spousal support is paid to make the spouse whole who doesn’t make as much. Do you know what “whole” means? It means you get closer to 50% of the total income, when prior you guys had access to 100% of the total income.

Be smart about the financial decisions you make, and it will go a long way. Take a look at the information I have provided on making extra income online. If you get started right away, either party can create or add to their income. Even if you are going to get child and/or spousal support, I will tell you right now, it won’t be enough. So, this is the best time to make money online, because you can still stay around the kids, while you make money.

Myth Five is that I’m unlovable or I will not love again, since I divorced.

There are many reasons why couples end up in marriage breakdown and decide to divorce. Some say we select mates to help us heal baggage that we picked up in our childhood. If this is even a little true, then the very person we are often attracted to is also the very person with whom we are most likely to recreate the same unhealthy patterns from the past. If you don’t do the work to heal, you are likely to run into the same issues again and again in future relationships.

The path to loving again is different for everyone. Whether you are the one choosing divorce or not, you have to heal, take care of yourself, and make sure to consciously choose your next relationship. It may be cliche, but it really is important to learn to love yourself again. Take care of yourself, and the rest will follow. Some paths to love take longer, usually because we skip the healing parts.

Loving again means being clear about what you want, while taking the blinders off. Have you set clear intentions, and are you doing the work to attract the relationship that will work for you? Because once you attract that relationship, the real work begins, and you have a second chance to grow through that relationship.

I hope I have shown you that a good divorce means dispelling some myths. Honestly, it probably means dispelling all of these myths, but the closer you can come to working through even some of these myths, the closer you will be to the possibility of a good divorce. A good divorce is not getting everything right…it’s about doing the work that you know is on the right path. Read more about getting A Good Divorce here.