Is it really possible to have a good divorce? To start with, just asking this question creates the possibility that you have a choice in the manner. Secondly, after years of mediating divorces, I know that over 200 cases of divorces can’t be wrong.
Why Mediating Can Seem Un-American
And while that seems like a low number, I will get into the challenges more of mediating divorce in America later. But think about it this way. America was founded on individual rights. No one can deny that family is important, but for hundreds of years there has always been some inequality. Maybe the wife’s rights were seen as important, or maybe the children’s rights. We can’t deny that rights of family members have gotten better. Yet, we still find ourselves a little lost in those individual rights when we mediate. If you are interested in reading more about these challenges, go here.
A Good Divorce Means Dispelling Some Myths
We have made many assumptions about divorce in our culture. I will be going over five myths about divorce. Myth One is that you need an attorney, and you will have to go to court. Myth Two is “I know we can’t work through divorce, as we can’t get along”. Myth Three is that getting divorced will damage the children. Myth Four is that people who get divorced are financially devastated. Myth Five is that I’m unlovable or I will not love again, since I divorced. These myths are outlined in more detail here.
Where Does A Good Divorce Start
The famous self-help guru and author, Stephen Covey, talks about the habit of starting with the end in mind in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. To begin with the end in mind means starting with a clear picture of the end or the outcome. In divorce, this means communicating what the divorce will look like when it is all done to the whole family system. The first commitment is to the outcome of a good divorce. Read more here about beginning the steps to access a good divorce.
A Good Divorce Involves Co-Parenting
Co-Parenting is the ability to work together in a way that raises healthy kids. The outcome of a good divorce is that parents undertake co-parenting to the best of their abilities. There are many tips for raising kids as co-parents. None of these have to be done perfectly, but they need to be done. Tip One is to not have conversations about the kids while they are present. Tip Two is don’t put the kids in the middle. Tip three is that kids need to understand that they have two homes. Tip Four is to not lay your emotional burdens on your children. Tip Five is to take advantage of this divorce transition to enhance the skill set of adaptation in everyone. Tip Six is to avoid making decisions about kids in court, if possible. Tip Seven is to be cautious about comparing your situation to others. Tip Eight is that children need access to both parents, so speak well of each other to your children. Tip Nine is to finish the financial settlement before making permanent decisions about the kids. Tip Ten is to figure out as co-parents what things are co-parenting business and what things are not. For more detail on these tips, go here.
A Good Divorce Addresses Financials Systematically
The part that always amazed be most about divorce is that if you could assess what each party wanted, you could create a financial division that worked. You should never start negotiating until you have fully gathered all assets and liabilities, including values at date of separation. In the first meeting, I created a road map of the couple’s financials using a detailed interview sheet to ensure that nothing was missed. All financials were gathered. It wasn’t good enough to just state a number. We had to see everything in hard copy or pdf online. Once the values were agreed to, I could create a first division based on what I knew about needs. I had some great software that allowed me to move financials from one party’s side of the balance sheet to the other. We could create various scenarios that spilt everything 50/50. See this section for a very thorough outline of how to undergo financial division.
Emotional Aspects of a Good Divorce
Before establishing whether a divorce is really on the horizon, it’s a good idea to understand what constitutes marriage breakdown. Having viewed hundreds of marriages in breakdown, I can speak to elements that make up a good marriage, and on the flip side what contributes to things falling apart. In addition, as an expert in personal change and transition, I think it is critical to cover what happens when there is change and how divorce can resemble the grieving process of death. The difference between change and transition is that change happens, and then we have to transition through the impacts of that change. See this page for more detail.
Other Considerations Related to a Good Divorce
Even though I gave it my best shot, there were some instances not suitable to my mediation/negotiation approach. I will talk about these instances, and discuss these in context of mediation vs lawyers. There are times when a spouse seems completely uncooperative, but a few techniques can sometimes shift this mindset. I will talk about that more. And I will elaborate on the different people whom might be important for a good divorce. Lastly, I will leave a checklist of the overall good divorce process.
A good divorce doesn’t happen naturally. It takes open communucation, working through the conflict, and being able to see what is right for the whole family system. These are the very things that often did not work out in the marriage. Having a mediator can create a bridge for these things to happen.