Dealing with the emotional aspects of a good divorce should be addressed, or it could derail a divorce process easily. In every transition, a person goes through an emotional process that follows a very similar path to the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross has so eloquently framed. We find that each person in the couple will go through these stages at different times, with one partner usually further along in the grieving process than the other. This may make it look like one person is not going through a grieving process, when in fact they probably started the process awhile back.

In our experience, it is important that people go through the grieving process as consciously as possible, although no two people will go through it at the same speed or in the same way. Nonetheless, if ignored, a person can get stuck. Without healing, it may be very difficult for a divorcing person to move on to a new relationship. This person might move on to an unhealthy relationship that repeats similar destructive patterns from the past.

Some people may move through a stage in the transition more quickly. Others may think they are moving through the transition completely only to only to discover later that they need to revisit an earlier stage because it was not actually fully completed.

While this education should come early on in a divorce process, we find that in our culture, consciously dealing with emotions is often an afterthought to major change. We do not often see ourselves as conscious creators of where we are going. It is easier to see ourselves as passive bystanders of our lives. It may not feel that way, yet we often do not have the energy to move from passivity to the active participation of creation, especially during stressful times like divorce.

As with the stages of loss, each stage is a step in realizing change is happening and either moving forward through the divorce and its associated loss, or unlike death, this is the one time that change towards divorce and loss can be averted.

Stage 1: Marriage Breakdown or Not

The first step of acknowledging that the marriage is in breakdown can be very hard to identify because it usually takes place over a longer period of time. In this stage, there is a lot of fighting, which could include outwardly expressed anger, inwardly expressed frustration, and withdrawal. If you are in this situation, there can be a lot of confusion about what to do. The hope of the past is still hanging in the air, but it becomes harder and harder to carry that hope forward.

I have included a marriage breakdown index to assess whether the relationship is at a point of no return in another section. See that section here. But, now is the time to get help. This is the time for behavior change, if there ever was a time. If the couple cannot commit to steady behavior changes with timeliness, it will end up being too late. Doing nothing doesn’t mean nothing happens, because breakdown can exist within the relationship or lead to a breakup of the relationship. Both things are broken.

Stage 2: I Have Made the Decision

Since one person is usually further along in the transition curve, it usually means one person has quietly made the dreaded decision to leave before the other. They might have been planning their exit strategy off and on for awhile, with no real action. Or they might be more actively making decisions on when, where and how to go. For the spouse not yet thinking about leaving, this emotional part of “I’ve made a decision” may only come after both parties in the couple have made a decision to proceed with a divorce.

This is often the point in time when there is some relief. Most people dislike being what we call “in limbo.” Once a decision is made, at least we know what direction we face. There is still confusion, and even a bit of shock that this is really happening, but the reality of being without one’s spouse is now looming on the horizon.

In this stage, it is important that professionals are sought out who can help you make a clear decision. Being in limbo for too long is not healthy for either spouse. Make a pro/cons list of “staying” and “going”, and be sure the side for “going” is longer than the side for “staying”. Measure your readiness for leaving using the marriage breakdown index as a guide to reinforce your decision to leave. Start to explore what it would take to find out who you are as an individual.

Stage 3: Separating Physically, maybe even Legally

For a lot of people, the first step in a separation is to live apart either in separate locations or in separate bedrooms. This is still a hard time, but it is easy to fall in to old routines. The feeling of relief that was starting to wash over you, may dissipate as fights occur. Being in such close proximity within the same house, or even having your affairs co-mingled makes a clean separation difficult.

At this point, a couple may decide to file court paperwork, seek out professional advice, or take some action to move them in the direction of creating a future apart. This is a bittersweet moment as there is some movement towards creating a new future, yet a definite step away from the dreams that were created as a couple.

In this stage, boundaries are critical. If you are trying out a separation period, then make sure it really is a separation, where you are learning to be independent. If you have lingering doubts, then commit to dating again. Start fresh. Take a workshop that will facilitate you leaving the past in the past. Notice whether letting go creates an opening for staying or if the opening for your new life becomes wider.

Stage 4: We Have Made the Decision

Once the couple has come to a place where they both understand the marriage is over, it is still not a clear-cut path to a new future. It is more of a step forward, and a step back, as each person has bouts of denial (step back), then exploration (step forward), then resistance (step back), then picturing one’s self internally in a new life (step forward).

However, in this stage the decision has been made, and the couple is moving on to create new lives. Separation is becoming more and more extensive as names are removed from credit cards, the home is sold or refinanced into one spouse’s name, and the kids are going back and forth between two houses. Doubt about the breakup may creep in at points in time, but then recalling the fighting, the lack of intimacy, and the pain of being together rapidly overshadow the doubt. Eventually, the lingering hesitation subsides, and the former couple moves forward into the reality of separation.

Again, in this stage, boundaries are imperative. You have to learn to live on your own, before you can have that friendly lunch together. You have to be your own person before you can invite your ex to hang out at a function. Now is not the time to try to be best friends.

It is time to focus on you, and what you need in order to move forward. Take time to grieve. Cry, get angry, and let go of what is not meant to be. Say good-bye to the dreams of your past, and get ready to create the dreams of your future.

Stage 5: Exploring your New Life

Now, each person in the couple is an individual on his/her own, exploring a new life. Each has sought out new relationships, rekindled old friendships, and looked for activities that will be fun and beneficial. This is an unexpected place where a person can get stuck. If you put your toe in the water, and get bitten one too many times, you may just give up. But, this is the worst time to give up, because stuckness can grab on to you, and hold you captive for as long as you will let it.

Instead, continue to go out in the world and fight back the fear, the rejection, and the expansiveness of the unknown. You can love and be loved. Do not let this be the time to run away. The only way to reach a brighter future is through the long trek that includes periods of darkness.

Now is the time to make a list of all the things you wanted to do, but did not when you were part of a couple. Create a vision board with pictures and words of all the things you want to create in your new future.

Be real with your budget. Cut out the expenses that are not healthy, and not contributing to your growth. Instead, make space in your budget to save for fun trips, activities, and self-care that will bring you back to remembering the best of who you are.

Take your time dating. Do not jump into another relationship right away. Do the work to be clear on what contributed to your last marriage breakdown. Transform your unhealthy patterns and be clear on what you want from your next partner. Create a list of characteristics of your ideal partner, then redo the list with more realistic expectations. Assess whether you are dating the people who fit your values. Identify the red flags, and keep track of those early on in any relationship. If you see too many red flags, back out quickly. Don’t second guess yourself. This is the time to rebuild trust with yourself.

Stage 6: Finding Your Brighter Future

You are standing on the mountain with the sun shining on your face. You have made it! You have a clear vision of your new life, and you are implementing it. This is YOUR time. Make it worth any lost years you may have had, and seize the moments in time to pull yourself into the future.

Continue to revisit your vision. If you created a vision board, keep it posted. Consider creating a second board as you achieve your first vision in order to propel yourself further into your brighter future. Enjoy the present. Celebrate your accomplishments. Be ALIVE!

Be sure to check out my overview page on all the sections related to A Good Divorce.